December

I owe this story to December. Not the month, but the baby I never had the chance of cuddling in my arms.
I always wanted to write down this story but every time I attempt to start, I feel a twinge in my heart reminiscent of that pain the day I lost my baby. But now that it's the  month of December, I have to brave the sharp pang of emotion and put into words the story of "December."

It's not all a story of loss but it's a story of hope. December is a happy month and I want to remember it that way.

Chase, my then 5-year old son, my husband and I named our little angel "December". The baby was given to us in December and was taken away by the end of January. Why, only God knows.

It was Chase's first feeling of loss. Of course we tried to keep the truth from him. The day we were in "commotion" when I had the miscarriage, we tried to act  normal when Chase was around, reassuring him that everything was all right. But it's a wonder how a small child can see what was concealed.

I could very well remember the morning after I had the miscarriage when Chase woke up with a knowing gaze and asked, "how's the baby?" My husband and I just looked at each other, eyes questioning if we're going to tell him the truth or not. In a panicky, shrill voice and in the verge of crying, Chase repeated the question. I then decided there's no use hiding the truth. I told him. But I wished I didn't. In angry outburst, he kicked and wailed. He then ran out of the house and found a place to sit under a tree. I never expected that a 5-year-old could understand grief and feel the loss.

We let him be for a while. He refused to talk to me or acknowledge our - especially MY - presence. That moment, I felt he hated me. He hated me for losing the baby. When he finally let me get near him, I tried to comfort him and said,  "It's okay Chase, God wants the baby to be an angel - your angel. We will name our baby December because God gave us the baby in December."

I was relieved when Chase turned to me and said, "The baby will come back in November right? And will come out and be with us in December." I just nodded and whispered, "Yes."

But God is good. He din't wait for November to bring us another "December". God-willing, I'll give birth soon to a healthy little girl. We will name her  -  "Summer".

P.S. Chase now fondly calls the baby "Ocho" from a character in his favorite cartoon Octonauts  - and I like the sound of eight - it!

The Tale of the "Big" and the "Small" Ship

During his first trip aboard a "big" ship, a ferry to be exact, to carry us to a neighboring island, my 41/2-year-old was looking out the window the whole time and was pressing his ears against the glass to hear the sound of the sailing ship. While the ferry was inching its way along the crowded wharf, he suddenly blurted,
"Look! Mama, a small boat pulling a big ship!"
He said, pointing to a cargo ship pulled by a tugboat.
He turned to me with a puzzled look, so, I hurriedly explained,
"It's a tugboat, Chase. It's small but strong. It's pulling the big boat because the big boat can't turn on its engine yet. "
"Why?" he asked. I was bracing myself with his litany of "whys."
It's frustrating. How can you make a 4-year-old understand things like this?
"Chase, the wharf is crowded or  maybe the water is too shallow or big ships are not supposed to turn on their engine while at the wharf."
He just looked at me and returned to look out the window. I was hoping he understood my somewhat cluttered explanation when he again turned to me. I was expecting another "why" when he slowly said,
"No, Mama, it's a young ship helping the old ship."